• Ted Morency

Ted's Basketball Talk: Blunts In the Bubble

According to The Athletic, “the [NBA] won’t test for marijuana and other recreational drugs in the bubble.” Upon hearing this, the minds of casual and serious fans alike race to pinpoint who they’d like to see high, the most obvious being J.R. Smith. The mind of the casual fan unfortunately settles with J.R. and doesn’t seek to stretch their imaginations to analyze who would be the most intriguing player to see under the influence of cannabis and the like. To make up for this, I’ve created a meta study—primarily pulling from YouTube clips, twitter posts, and a series of critically analyzed memes—to adequately evaluate the players who would be the most interesting to see reach the moon. This framework, however, solely pertains to certain player’s media presences and my extrapolation of how they would behave one, two, or three blunts in. This paper will be systematically organized based on which players would be the most interesting to see at which levels of intoxication. 

Stage 1, one blunt ranging from 1 to 2 grams, consists of players who appear to be regular smokers (I admit this is purely speculation), who have a range of content already documenting their behavior, thereby making their behavior more predictable. This stage consists of former players such as Matt Barnes, Stephen Jackson, and J.R. Smith. 

Stage 2, two blunts ranging from 2-4 grams, is composed of players who have a slight edge to them. These are the players whose walls we’d like to be a fly on after games. The fortunate members on this list are James Harden, Kevin Durant, and Kyrie Irving. 

Stage 3, the moon, is where the NBA illuminati resides: Kawhi Leonard, LeBron James, Chris Paul and Stephen Curry. These are the players who define the NBA landscape and whose minds store other worldly secrets, some of which are likely only known to them, Adam Silver, and the NBA owners. 

You can email Ted with feedback at ddm86@cornell.edu!

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